[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
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Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.