Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
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I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
i will not be silenced
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.