At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
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I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Art by Pastelkatto
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
When a shoelace touches your ankle
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.