If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
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each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
This fish is cracking me up
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I’M CRYINGGG
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.