@McClaneJohn2

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

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@Demented_Jokes

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

@CArmanthegirl

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

@SarcasticSadOne

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

@chopper4jk

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

@GreenishDuck

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

@Token_Geezer

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

@briangaar

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM