If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
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Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Oh no
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
huge valentines day plans this year!!
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.