Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

c’mon!

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

I love snow

– People who never shovel

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.