cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
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So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Phonetics
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.