My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
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My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
you stereotypes are all alike
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall