Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
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Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.