11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
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The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets