[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
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gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.