Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
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This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils