My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
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The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My therapist after every session
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop