Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
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How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
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I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
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Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Thank you corporation very cool
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