Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

WHO DID THIS?

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

🤣

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

Me when someone tries to get to know me

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.