Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
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I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I only look at Wordle for the articles
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Life cycle of cat
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
it be like that
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree