Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
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being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Did I do this right
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If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
i baked you a cake
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My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
All generalizations are stupid.