being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
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Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.