“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
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Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)