For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Ugh
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when