For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner