Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
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Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.