5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
You Might Also Like
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I already tried new things thanks.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.