The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
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Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Truth
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.