When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
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Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
nyc:
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*