If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
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You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Oh boy, $150,000!
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If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.