If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
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Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂