Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
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Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before