Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
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[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid