A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
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If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me when my alarm goes off
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast