I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
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*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.