Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”


Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”


TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.


Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?


Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”


Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?


Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE


My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.