Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

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friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end


Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.


There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.


The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.


It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?


may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning


My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules


Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.