Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

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The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.


I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?


…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.


He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down


Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.


The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.


“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]


When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.


You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.


Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.