[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
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sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them