I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
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Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
2022 will be better than 2021
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
She was REALLY feeling it.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
this makes me so uncomfortable
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend