Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
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[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money