The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
“no gods no masters” = leo
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*