I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
You Might Also Like
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I am having an out of money experience.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine