Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
You Might Also Like
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?