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What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Great Canadian literature.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
They got Raph!
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.