Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
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John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
who did the taste test?
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is