My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
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You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush