He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
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If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.