He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
You Might Also Like
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced