i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Spider-cat: No One Home
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When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs