Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
You Might Also Like
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
The Struggle
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Hell yeah 👍
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.