Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
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Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls