Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
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New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”