him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
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*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
#SaturdayBears
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?