#SaturdayBears
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I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
No Google it does not
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.