My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
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Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means