One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
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Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents