wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
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ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
This is why I hate group projects
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.