me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
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An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table