As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
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First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most