My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
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Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.