my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
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Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
what’s more important?
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again