Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
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*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
i- i did not expect this
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I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
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Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
This is me 🤣🤣
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*cough*
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You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]