Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
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I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
How it started: How it’s going:
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.